DEBITO.ORG
Arudou Debito/Dave Aldwinckle's Home Page

New ebooks by ARUDOU Debito

  • Book IN APPROPRIATE: A novel of culture, kidnapping, and revenge in modern Japan
  • Humor: Charles Kowalski letter to Yomiuri on Ishiba’s UFO fears

    Posted by Dr. ARUDOU, Debito on January 7th, 2008

    Hi Blog. This is so good I couldn’t just let it languish within the comments section of this blog. It deserves an entry all its own.

    Charles Kowalski sent this letter to the Yomiuri when Defense Minister Hashiba (inter alia) was getting all nerdy about defenses against a theoretical UFO invasion late last year. Charles takes the issue and runs with it. Hilariously. The Yomiuri, not known for any sense of humor (or for brooking any criticism of Japan from outsiders), wouldn’t publish it. So I will. Debito in Sapporo

    /////////////////////////////////////////

    UNPUBLISHED LETTER TO THE EDITOR AT THE YOMIURI, BY CHARLES KOWALSKI:

    To Defense Minister Shigeru Ishiba:

    I urge you to reconsider your comment that UFOs “can’t be categorized as coming from a foreign country” (Yomiuri December 21, page 2). Please take a moment to think about the dangerous precedents this policy would set.

    If UFOs could enter Japanese airspace without resistance, they could easily spirit away Japanese citizens. Japan has enough abduction issues already! But even worse, what if the extraterrestrial visitors liked our beautiful country so much that they decided to stay – and without the limitations that apply to humans from other countries?

    First of all, with no visa restrictions, they could take jobs away from Japanese citizens. In the fields of astrophysics and aeronautics, an interstellar pilot would have a grossly unfair advantage over a Japanese graduate who shuffled through university with a perpetual hangover. Do you want more of our young people to become NEETs?

    And if men from Mars, or women from Venus, were to marry Japanese citizens, what would prevent their names from being recorded in the juminhyo? Tama-chan was cute as a one-time joke, but do you really want to see Qrlzak Wzaxo from Jupiter listed on equal terms with Hanako Sato from Morioka? And their children, with one parent from a planet with higher gravity, would always beat their Japanese classmates in athletic competitions! How unsporting!

    Our course of action should be clear: Treat extraterrestrials the same as any other aliens. When they arrive at the UFO terminal at Narita, take prints of their claws, tentacles, antennae or whatever they use for fingers. Make them carry Space Alien Registration Cards that the police could inspect at any time. Interplanetarization is all very well, but we Japanese must take measures to prevent these aliens from going where no gaijin has gone before.
    ENDS

    6 Responses to “Humor: Charles Kowalski letter to Yomiuri on Ishiba’s UFO fears”

    1. scott lucas Says:

      Hilarious!!

    2. 1TruthTeller Says:

      Ishiba’s anticipated response: (a) quizzical look at the text. (b) head tilted to one side. (c) sharp inhalation through clenched teeth. (d) arm motioning like a window wiper. (e) exasperated uttering, sub-voce, of “wa kar-ann”!

      Full extent of Ministerial reply.
      Net result: wit flies over his head like a squadron of F-16s.

    3. Daniel J. Says:

      Sadly, I think too many officials might take this seriously.

    4. KokuRyu Says:

      Uh, kind of dumb, if you ask me. The issues he addresses are real, but this attempt at lampoon is somewhat hamfisted and quite unfunny. No wonder the Yomi didn’t print it.

    5. redballoon Says:

      Oh, that’s cute. The over-the-topnesss of it is what highlights the whole absurdity of the issues it refers to. The Yom wouldn’t print something like this because 1) they probably wouldn’t understand the what other issues it was referring to and 2) as Debito said, it pokes fun at Japanese bureaucrats. Horrors!
      They NEED to lighten up and get their heads out of those dark places.
      Love the Star Trek ending!
      Very nice.

    6. Andrew Smallacombe Says:

      The Yomiuri will publish letters of complaint by NJ’s, but generally only the ones which may as well have been written in crayon and the locals can shoot down. I agree with Redballoon that the editorial staff and most of the readership wouldn’t understand or sympathize with the issues it refers to.

    Leave a Reply